


Hobbit Holes and Entering Them

by orphan_account



Series: Crack-Tastic! [2]
Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: M/M, Sexual Humor, Thorin you idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-05
Updated: 2013-05-05
Packaged: 2017-12-10 11:43:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/785683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt:</p><p> </p><p>After somebody calls Hobbit homes burrows, Bilbo rants about how Hobbit homes are Hobbit holes, not dirty or bare things, while being unaware of all the double entedre in his speech. </p><p>+bonus if Thorin and/or Dwalin get hot and bothered and later ask Bilbo for a demonstration of just how comfortable hobbit holes can be.</p><p>http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/7346.html?thread=16794290#t16794290</p><p>I wrote this fill way longer than I originally expected to. Whatever, I like where it went.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hobbit Holes and Entering Them

Bilbo's endless talk of the Shire was driving Thorin up a wall. Balin, Ori, Bombur, and Bofur's questioning weren't helping either. Thorin was just surprised Kili and Fili weren't questioning him either (though he wasn't complaining). What was so special about it anyway? It was just a bunch of farms filled with tiny creatures with hairy feet. The entire place sounded incredibly boring. The fact that hobbits were very peaceful didn't help either.

Bilbo was currently speaking of hobbit holes at the request of Ori, who was scribbling away whatever Bilbo said on his parchment.

"Would you just shut up?" Thorin yelled. "No one cares about your hobbit holes!" He turned to Ori, who was stunned at Thorin's outburst. "Ori, just write about what hobbit holes really are: Dirty and bare!" Bilbo's probably was-who would want to enter his hole anyway?

Bilbo's face turned red as his waistcoat in anger. He stood up, his hair glowing more orange than usual by the firelight. "Thorin Oakenshield, you ass! I can assure you that hobbit holes aren't, especially not mine, dirty and bare!"

He's trying to prove himself, Thorin thought. He smirked. Well, this will be fun. And did he just call me an ass? You're very subtle about your interest in me, halfling.

"Hobbit holes are well developed, especially mine! I have the biggest in the Shire!"

Okay, that wasn't that far off in the realm of believability. Thorin certainly hadn't seen any other hobbits in the Shire that he would want to enter in. Bilbo was at least handsome, though Thorin couldn't see why. He was very ugly by dwarf standards, but Thorin found him handsome none the less.

"My father built it for my mother!"

Hobbits had strange ways of describing procreation.

"Many guests have entered it, and they have all left satisfied! They say hobbit holes are some of the most comfortable and nicest places one can ever enter!"

Thorin looked down and noticed he was getting hard. He certainly did regret his earlier comments. "Do you know how many have entered your hobbit hole?"

Bilbo stopped to think for a moment. "I can't remember how many off the top of my head," he admitted, "but I can assure you that they were quite a few."

Thorin ached to know. He had no doubt that many had entered Bilbo, but how many? Though he didn't look it, Bilbo certainly didn't mind defending himself as a stud. Thorin got even harder at the thought.

"Please forgive me," he said. "It really was rude of me to assume those things about you and your people's holes, Bilbo."

Everyone did a double take.

"Th-Thorin?" Bilbo asked.

"Yes?"

"Did you just apologize and admit to your rudeness?"

"Of course. Did it seem so otherwise?"

The other members of his company seemed shocked, all wondering what had come onto their king. He could even hear Fili and Kili whispering to each other. Did they really think he was that rude?

"Never mind," Bilbo said. "I realize that you speak the truth. I forgive you."

Thorin took that as a sign of hope. Maybe Bilbo would allow Thorin inside of his hobbit hole.

~

It was after supper, after nearly everyone else had gone to sleep, that Thorin had made his move. He took Bilbo by the hand and led him to the forest, hopefully to where no one could see or hear them. If they heard or saw then Thorin would never hear the end of it.

"Thorin," Bilbo said, "what do you need?"

"I'd like to apologize again for earlier," Thorin said. "It really was rude of me."

"I've already forgiven you!"

"Alright, thank you for doing so." He leaned closer to Bilbo, to where their bodies were touching. 

"Thorin, your sword is poking me."

Thorin laughed. "Halfling, that's not my sword."

Bilbo squeaked.

"Or is that your nickname for it?"

"It?" Bilbo was flushed with embarrassment.

"Yes, my cock." He cleared his throat. "I'd like to see the comforts of your hobbit hole, feel it for myself."

"What?" Bilbo asked. "You already have!"

"I remember no such thing."

I certainly would remember that, Thorin thought. If it had happened, he really wanted to!

"Yes, you, all the other dwarves, and Gandalf were there as well! Everyone got in my hobbit hole!"

There had been an entire gang bang and Thorin didn't remember it?

"You were the last to arrive."

"Why? I need to know!"

He was king, and king's deserved to enter first!

"Because you got lost finding my hobbit hole! You searched the entire Shire until you finally found the mark on my door."

"The mark on your door? So your hobbit hole is your house?"

Bilbo stamped his hairy foot. "Well of course! What else would it be?"

"Well, I thought you meant a hole, like the one in your ass."

Bilbo went red. "You what? Thorin, is that why you're hard? You want to, to?"

"Yes! I would be overjoyed!"

"You actually thought I was referring to that?" He shivered. "Thorin Oakenshield, you have a sick, sick mind!"

It took a lot to embarrass Thorin, but Bilbo did it. "I apologize." He secretly wished there had been a gang bang that he'd forgotten about.

Bilbo just sighed. "I forgive you. I will never understand dwarves."

"Maybe I can change that."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," Thorin said, leaning closer to Bilbo, until their lips nearly met, "that my offer still stands."


End file.
